Ready, I'm ready...

I'm ready little one, whenever you feel like making an appearance, I hate to say it but my body has kind of had enough of hosting you.

There's no room anymore, you know that already, I can feel you rumbling around shifting bits of your body trying to get comfy, I sympathise 'cos I'm doing the same and I've kind of realised that it can't be done now. Comfort is beyond us now babe.

I have stretch marks, big ugly purple claw marks on my belly, never had any with little man, well I had one but that's 'cos I left my belly button ring in too long and the hole kind of stretched so I got one there. This time and only in the past week, my belly looks like a tiger had at it. My belly button looks like it might pop too, that didn't happen last time. More reminders that this is not little man, this baby is different. I'm getting nervous now, just how different will this baby be?

A colleague had her baby 4 weeks ago at 37 weeks, he won't latch so she's pumping for him - little man was a great feeder, never had a physical problem breastfeeding, emotional, yes a bit but I got over that. Will this baby be the same? Will I struggle to feed him/her properly? Will s/he be colicky? Little man was a good baby, he had his moments, for a few weeks he cried from 11-1 every night. I've been assuming it will be easier with baby #2 but maybe it won't. Maybe we were spoiled with little man and now we're going to pay the piper.

I'm anxious and nervous and oh so very very big and uncomfortable. I can't sleep, can't sit comfortably anywhere except propped on the couch with 5, 000 cushions around me or on the fabulous lilac birth ball that big man surprised me with last week.*

I'm afraid this baby will be bigger than little man was (8lbs 10oz) and I won't be able to push him/her out. I'm afraid of the birth, afraid of life with a newborn and a 2 1/2 yr old, of sleep deprivation, of possible conflict and crankiness in the house ';cos we're all exhausted and adjusting to our new dynamic. Afraid that I have nothing ready, that I'm not finished up at work and not getting anything done, that they'll be majorly pissed off with me when I'm gone. That I'll leave something undone and it will slip through a crack and cause havoc.

I have no bag packed for the hospital, I should do that one of these days.

I scheduled an acupuncture session for next Tuesday and a massage for this Friday, I'll be 37 weeks so officially full term. I know the baby won't come until s/he's ready but a little nudge in the right direction is no harm - is it?

Did I mention that I have 3 sister in laws due soon as well? My brothers wife is due in September, big man has 2 brothers whose wives are/were due within 2 weeks of me. One of them had her baby yesterday, a little boy, popped out in 45 minutes her 3rd child. Maybe that's why I'm fretting a little, now that she has gone, it's getting more real every day, my turn soon.

Little man gets 4 new cousins this year, 2 already born and 2 more to come.

*I was so very touched, big man's not one for romantic gestures, the fact that he googled it and ordered it and had it delivered almost had me in tears. I suppose you'd have to have experience of an Irish man to truly appreciate the consideration and reaction.

Pants

Ha - see that? I'm being punny!

I'm posting about my breathing - hence the pants and the dire need of comfortable pants to wear now that my belly is obscuring my view of anything beneath it - pants and pants, see? God I'm good!

Anyway, the breathing issue has improved immensely, am still a little short of breath, especially today at work, but nowhere near as bad as I was last week, I don't think the baby moved or anything, could have been allergies maybe? Or a virus? Whatever it was, it seems to have improved so I'm not going to poke it anymore.

Now pants people, pants, honest to fuck, what the hell am I supposed to cover my gargantuan frame in every day? Nothing is comfortable, NOTHING ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING. Yes, I'm shouting and yes I know that's not nice, but I could weep with the uncomfortableness of my pants right now and I am wearing my previously sure bet for comfort pants so I am royally screwed.

I honestly, although I am shamed to admit it, did a google for Muumuu's earlier. Don't do a search for mumu, apparently it means f@nny to some people - who knew? I had to wiki the correct spelling. They look comfy but then I think my thighs would rub together and that would be nasty and I would look 20 billion times worse than I do right now which would really be saying something.

Am I really contemplating dungarees (overalls to Americans) could I really do that to my ego? Are they not a pain in the arse to unbuckle 20 times a day to pee?

Suggestions folks?

I wouldn't dare wear pajama pants for fear redmum would get on a plan and kick my arse. She had a post some time ago about pajama wearing teens, I can't find it at the moment, sorry, but trust me I've known this woman for about 20 years, I know she could kick my arse anytime she wants to.

Hangovers

Fatmammycat has a hangover, she describes it very well. However I just left this comment on her post:

No sympathy from me at all for the hangover, you drink and have a great time, feck off you deserve that hangover!

I've completely lost my taste for alcohol see, and I miss it dreadfully.

I've tried to get it back but after two drinks I think blah why bother so I sit and listen to the slurring shite spouted in my direction and generally go home early.

It's depressing.

Not so much now that I'm big with child again, I have no desire to go out at all these days, people tend to stare at pregnant women in bars after a certain hour, but I'm sure it will return when this child is birthed and weaned in about 12 months.

I will get pissed again dammit, I will!

Bit mean I know but feck it, I have a simmering resentment towards people who can go out and get drunk. I'm not sure how much of it is because I've lost my taste for it or how much is tied up in envy of their irresponsibility or lack of responsibilty, y'know?

If I get sloshed (non-pregnant obviously) I have to deal with little man in the morning no matter how bad I feel. Most of my friends don't have children, they have dogs, some don't even have dogs, they have plants and they can't even look after them properly!

Sometimes I envy their lack of obligation but most of the time I think, it's all fun & games now in your 30s/40s and in some cases 50s but how much fun will it be in 10 years? How much damage are you doing to your body? I think that's what worries me most and stops me from doing it, the damage to your body.

When my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour, they opened him up to see if they could operate, closed him up again and told us it was pointless. The scary part was that they said the damage was 30 years old. He had done most of the damage to his brain while he was in his 30s! What the fuck! My Dad died at 67, that's way too young.

I'd like to live as long as possible myself, certainly until my children make me a Granny and even past that for a while, until I'm tired and fed up and ready to move on to whetever comes next or nothing at all if that's all there is. Pouring alcohol down my neck regularly in sizeable quantities isn't going to help me do that.

It can be fun though and I kind of miss that.

Maybe I should unclench.

Random facts

The rules:
Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write on their own blog the rules and answers.
Then you choose seven people and make sure to leave a comment on their blog.

I'm doing this even though I'm not sure I want to tell you random facts about me.

My random facts:
1. I have known my man Bigman for most of my life, we were friends as teenagers and knew who each other was before that, that's probably the thing that freaks me out most of all in my world. The fact that given this shared and common life we have led, we seem to disagree on very fundamental issues is the 2nd most freaky thing.

2. I feel sorry for cups and glasses that haven't been used in a while, so I'll use them. I try to give all of my belongings their turn at whatever it is that they do.

3. I believe myself somewhat of a connoisseur of public toilets, when I'm in them I frequently find myself mentally composing reviews of their cleanliness, designing my perfect public toilet etc. I am a harsh critic.

4. I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) which is probably why I am such a connoisseur of public toilets and write about poo so much.

5. I am homesick, even though I moved away from my home and have lived independently since 1987 - 20 years - I dream sometimes that I am in the house I grew up in and for a few delicious moments between sleep and wake, I can hear the sounds of people (sisters and brothers and parents) moving around downstairs telling each other what they're doing, coming and going, opening and closing doors, and I am in heaven.

6. When I do wake up from this type of reverie I am usually heartbroken, this feeling intensifies when I am with my family either they're staying here or I am there. Told you I was homesick, maybe it's more like family sick.

7. I am secretly arrogant because I am better than most people but I am too humble to let them know it and proud of that too. I got this from my mother and intend to pass it along to my children.

Well for someone who didn't really want to do this, I don't think I did too badly.

I know I'm breaking the chain and will not get my wish or something but I'm not going to tag anyone 'cos I don't think even 7 people read my blog and the people that do have already done it so if you'd like to do it -fire away.

It's midnight, I have to be all professional at 8am for a conference type of thing so I'm off.

Daily whine:
I despair of my maternity clothes, nothing but nothing is comfortable, no shirts cover my belly so a bit is starting to hang down like a gut, well it's like a gut becasue it is a gut but it's also full of baby so I can't exactly squish it into my pants. Suffice to say I'm uncomfortable in my clothes at the moment and want to wear sweatpants to work - can I do that?

I can relax a bit now

So I've been awol I know, I had the biggest day of my work year on Sunday, a public event I coordinate that due to the weather, which was glorious, attracted somewhere around 35,000 people. It was madness, great, fabulous, fulfilling but exhausting. I crashed and burned yesterday & today and am finally getting around to coherent thought.

Best part of the whole thing was the golf cart I had to myself all day. This event takes place in a park kind of place, I normally roam around the 150+ acres during the day putting out fires (not literally) and taking care of business, but at 26w pregnant there wasn't a hope of me doing that so I got my hands on this little electric vehicle thingie, it was the bomb! I hated giving it back at the end of the day.

Anyway here I am again now so what can I tell you?

Indigestion is a beast, hips are starting to ache, still have the kicked in the f@nny feeling, but other than that feel ok. Feel quite big and had to go get new pants today, have developed lovely rolls of back fat under my bra strap so have put away all the handy dandy spandexy type teeshirts from Target that have been my staples until now. I know it's nearly time for the enormous tent like teeshirts but I can't bear to put them on yet. I'm not a big fan of maternity clothes, I don't look like a cute pregnant chick, well to be fair I think I did for a while, but now I'm beginning to look like a whale and I still have 14 weeks to go. Oh well it will all be worth it in the end.

I really am starting to get excited about the baby coming, I'm looking forward to seeing the little face and washing the little body. I've resisted the urge to buy stuff so far, mainly 'cos we're broke but also kind of superstitious.

Little man meanwhile is just blowing my mind, he's growing in to a little boy before my eyes. His development during the past couple of months has been incredible. His speech is amazing, he can count, knows his letters and colours, can write his name (kinda) and is full of ideas and chat non stop. Some of this is annoying, endearing at times but jaw clenching annoying too, the 'why' thing, jesus h christ and all the saints preserve me, how do you deal with the why thing without resorting to 'because'? I have done that, I've said 'because I said so' more than once, I feel terrible about that but man oh man I can't keep up. He is amazing though, I catch myself staring at him sometimes and wondering how I deserve to have him. I'm glad I do.

So how are all you folks? I see I've been tagged by random_mommy so I'll have to deal with that one of these days, I also see that Emma was getting orgasms at 13, what the? I didn't even know what one was until I was about 17, damn I missed out.

Sleep, poo (not mine for a change), pregnancy and Larry

I wrote a post in my head last night while I tossed and turned and hefted Larry* around the place trying to get comfortable. The howling wind and rain didn't help, nor did the fact that the little man stayed in his own bed all night. Yes I know I have begged the gods for him to do just that but he does it so rarely that when he does I think there's something wrong and lie awake all night listening to the fucking monitor to hear him breathe!

Anyway I forgot the post, I've poked and prodded my brain all morning to try to remember what I wanted to tell you and I haven't the slightest idea, not one, not even a clue.

I fucking hate that.

So here are some snippets instead:

Little man poo'd on the floor this weekend, nice! I took his nappy off and couldn't get my fat arse in gear to put a clean one on so decided to let the air at his bum for a while, poor childeen wrapped up in damp fabric/paper all the time. I heard him grunt and saw him make that face just a nanosecond too late, Moved my fat arse right quick that time. Had to give him a bath and clean the floor - serves me right for being a lazy git.

Had to go to the doc and get nuclear power cream/suppositories for the itchy fanny - yum! Seems to have done the job though and I might even have a shag one of these days now that I'm all better.

Had another scan last week to see the face, all well, still the same gender, had her check to make sure, still can't tell you. But I can tell you that my sister-in-law is also pregnant and having a girl - yahoo! You hear about these things, people adopting and then finding themselves preggers from plain ol sex even though every ART trick in the book didn't work - you never expect it to happen to somone you actually know, but it did and I'm thrilled and kind of laughing at them too going from 0 kids to 2 in 9 months, ha ha, that'll learn 'em.

* Larry is my body pillow, a cool $10 in Sears, served me very well last time and is doing his job this time too. Why is he called Larry? I have no idea, I came to be done night and big man had him propped up on my side with eyes and a mouth drawn in, he christened him Larry and it stuck.

Mothers Diet may affect son's sperm count

Jesus, as if pregnant women don't have enough to worry about. Now, it seems that your diet can affect your future child's fertility, see here.

"The concern, Swan said, is that high beef consumption by pregnant women may alter sperm production of the male fetus in utero, particularly at the end of the first trimester during the critical period for testicular development, according to the press release. Although sperm production occurs in stages -- prenatal, during puberty, and into adulthood -- the most important stage for developing semen quality occurs in the womb, Swan added."

Now, before you go getting your knickers in a bunch, the study is a bit rough, none of the men studied had difficulty fathering a child and the mothers involved were eating 7+ meals of beef a week. Mad though, the amount of shite in food these days, it's a wonder we don't all sprout 2 heads or tails or something.

PS: This is not my way of telling you the baby is a boy, I do have a son already, y'know.

Tickers

See the tickers up there?

Yeah yeah I know you can't miss them.

Hate them myself BUT and obviously it's a big but (remind me to post about the other kinds of big butts soon) I cannot keep track my this pregnancy, I keep getting my weeks wrong and then people laugh at me, which is just mean and cruel and - sob - not what you should do to a hormonal pregnant chick - mmmkay?

So I made a ticker to tell me how many weeks I am and then I felt bad that little man was left out so I made one for him too. All sounds easy peasy eh? Fucking wasn't let me tell you, my brain is seriously fucked up these days, I'm amazed I make it to work with shoes on most days.

Pregnancy Horror Stories

Suburban Turmoil: VOTE HERE!

Some are funny - well not funny ha ha but it's the way they tell 'em y'know?

Some are downright terrifying so be warned.

I'm not sure I ever did a pregnancy/birth story for little man, it was pretty shitty, I might do it on here one of these days.

Belly is fucking huge today, seriously ridiculously massive, it's all fat, baby is just about 4" long and 3oz or so, I look like I'm 6 months pregnant - ack!

Oh well...

Well well well Beta #3

Beta #3 taken this morning was 1264

Again from http://babymed.com/pregnancy%2Dtools/hcg/

First hCG: 237 mIU/ml Second hCG: 1264 mIU/ml
hCG Difference: 1027 mIU/ml
Time Difference: 96 hours
Total hCG Increase: 433 % (5.3)
Daily Rate Increase: 52% (1.52)
Two Day Rate Increase: 131% (2.31)

Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 131% and is considered adequate.

YAHOO - guess that means I better start taking this seriously!

Not that I haven't been taking my vitamins and all that but after the drama of last Tursday and Friday I kind of braced myself for the worst y'know.

I don't have terrible pregnancy symptoms, sore breasts, seriously bad gass, am farting machine, but other than that, I'm fine. That was worrying me, but it's early days so I should just be quiet now and appreciate the life growing inside me - good gods did I just say that?

Anyway great news, am thrilled, feel like I have been holding my breath for days!

Beta #2

Well, all is not lost it seems, blood drawn today gave an hcg level of 237, up from 79 4 days ago which according to this calculator is "The Two-Day hCG rise was 73% and is considered adequate."

Still not out of the woods, when I went for an appt. with the OBGYN the nurse said "so, you're here for a missed abortion consult" - nice! No sez I, I'm still pregnant as far as I know, do you know something I don't?

Silly cow, it was all I could do not to slap her hard.

The doc was nice, said don't worry the numbers are good, it's too early to see anything in the scan. Come back again on Tuesday dn have more blood drawn and we'll see how the levels are.

So I'm feeling more hopeful but not letting my guard down yet. Until I see that heartbeat I won't relax and even then probably.

Best mate has been a rock, she of the twins, she's been through 3 pregnancies with me now, 1 ended badly, 1 gave me my son and now this. Couldn't survive without her.

So I'm going to try to enjoy the weekend and stay calm until Tuesday.

Symptoms today - enormous poos, yeah seriously, enormous, still farting up a storm, tmi? Sorry, but it's the real deal and I wish someone had told me about these things when I first got pregnant, hey sister you will fart and poo for Ireland for the next year or so - oh great, thats' a relief! Breasts still painful but not at the levels they were last time when I had to strap them down before bed, if the sheet brushed them I screamed in pain, not there but it could come yet. Breasts are such wonderful creations aren't they? Breastfeeding my son was one of the most rewarding aspects of pregnancy/birth for me.

Anyhoo that's it, obviously mentally in a better place than yesterday and physically not too bad either, have had a few too many hands up my hoohaa lately but them's the breaks.

PS: The sexy dreams have kicked in, yahoo!

Not looking good

Had an ultrasound today, nothing to be seen but tech assured me that it's early and not to be disheartened. Then the nurse from my docs office called to ask me to come in tomorrow for another blood test - hmm, not good I thought so I asked why.

Well, she said, your hcg level was only 79 which is low.

Oh right sez I, would have been good to know this on Tuesday when the doc called to tell me the test was positive.

I've googled my heart out and yes smoked 2 cigarettes, because I've been here before, the every 2nd day level tests hoping to see the numbers double only to have it all crap out in the end.

So I'm not feeling too good, in fact I'm feeling shite, I've had a sense of doom about this from the beginning but I've been convincing myself that it's just me being a nervous nelly.

Maybe it is, at this stage all that is left is hope.

If you're reading, send me some good vibes because I think I will lose my fucking mind if I have another miscarriage. It will make this pregnancy #4 with only 1 child to show for my troubles.

Oh well, have to break the news to the big man, he doesn't even know I went for a scan.

A girl??

Madame Zaritska's reading

Madame Zaritska, our resident clairvoyant, wants to help you prepare for the arrival of your child. Here she does her best to predict certain aspects of your labor and birth experience.

What she senses for you
The day you deliver, outside will be sunny. Your baby will arrive at night.

After a labor lasting approximately 11 hours, WHAT! your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 7 pounds, 10 ounces, and will be 18 inches long. This child will have green eyes and be completely bald. Ah a little baldie!

But there is more. It is perfectly healthy and normal to want to look good, even during these interesting months! I sense you feel a little reluctant. Well, you're not being silly or shallow -- you're taking care of yourself. And I am happy that you are.

Well that's nice Madame, I remember doing this last time, wish I had kept it!

Am off to the doc this avo for a quick scan. Have been having bad pain in my right side so they want to rule out ectopic - don't think it is, am just a nervous nelly.

Am guessing it's just digestion issues, have been suffering with constipation the past few days, been trying to drown my enemy with Diet Coke - ha ha, yes people I know I should be drinking 10gallons of water each day, but I'm just not a water drinker, I'll have to improve I guess.

Day 5 off the smokes, man I hate quitting smoking, it's fucking hard, I don't care what Allen Carr says it is hard, this time I will not start smoking again, no way.

ooh feeling the morning sickness

first bout of morning sickness today - not terribly bad just there and a reminder of how bad it can get.

I remember weeks 6-9 being brutal last time, I'm in week 5 now so fearing the worst for next week, have been attempting to head issues off at the pass, had a lovely bowl of oatmeal this morning and been filling my face with oranges since then. No bananas though, too high in sugar.

Dug out my Healthy Eating in Pregnancy book last night so will do my best to stick to a sensible low sugar diet and avoid being an insulin junkie.

In other news, my brother and his wife had their court date in Russia today to adopt their little boy, seems like they will get to pick him up earlier than expected and could even be home with him for Xmas - what joy!

My sister-in-law and my best friends struggles with infertility have really opened my eyes, it's a cruel affliction and my heart breaks for people who try so hard to do something that other folk take for granted. My best mate has twin boys now and my sister in law finally has her little boy within her sights, happy endings all round and hopefully some salve for the battle wounds.

I shouldn't do this

to myself but I've been googling miscarriage risks and gestational diabetes - and have myself scared shitless.

It brings it all back, that horrible visit to the ER where the technician did a scan and told me matter of factly that there was "no baby in there" well gee thanks Mrs. Compassionate. The repeated visits to the OB/GYN office desperate that this time they would find a heartbeat and it was just too early before.

Gods I don't want to go through that again.

Like I said before I won't be able to relax until I see that heartbeat, little man showed me his heart beat at 6w 3d so hopefully this little bean will be as cooperative.

Gestational Diabetes - pales in comparison, I ended up injecting insulin 3 times a day at the end of my last pregnancy and testing my blood sugar about 6 times a day, that all leaves some serious track marks people! Hopefully this time I'll avoid it by eating sensibly (yeah right) and exercising (in your dreams) and not gaining so much weight (54lbs people) that's the plan anyway, apparently once you have it in one pregnancy you have a 90% chance of a reccurrance in subsequent pregnancies - nice odds there.

Hope to avoid induction and c-section as well this time, but I'm getting way way ahead of myself so I'll stop all this idle speculation and just hope I see/hear those galloping hoofbeats in a few weeks!

Well - It's still a secret

but I'm sharing the news here so it is and it isn't.

Baby #2 is due to arrive in August '07.

Yes that means I'm like all of 4 weeks pregnant right now so I'm toying with fate by blogging about it but I didn't keep any kind of journal for my pregnancy with my son and I'm sorry I didn't now so this is redemption.

Estimated Due Date is August 17, 2007 and Chinese Gender Prediction says it's a girl.

I guessed I might be pregnant when I started hitting this insane exhaustion wall every afternoon last week, it's due to hit me now again in about 20 minutes, hmm I thought, then the constipation set in and I thought hmm again, I've been here before so I bought a test on Friday even though my period wasn't due until today and there it was a faded + sign, nah I thought and threw it away. Did another one the next day and there it was again a +...so i took it outside to big man who was putting a new roof on the shed and asked him if it was real. He seemed to think it was and reacted as he does.

Bought 2 more tests Saturday evening on teh way to work and did one at work, two || this time, definitely there. One more test Sunday morning confirming the two ||s and now I'm starting to believe it.

Made an appt with the doc to have an official test this afternoon, if it's positive then I think I'll really believe it.

Well I'll really believe it when I see the galloping heartbeat on a scan. Sadly I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks the year before little man was born so I'm all too aware of the risks. I'll relax into it after 12 weeks.

In the meantime if you've stumbled across me and you don't know me this might be incredibly boring for you, if you do know me chances are you're getting a link to this in Jan 2007 so are reading backwards, welcome!