I Dream Dead People

I do - every night, I dream about dead people. I know I mentioned this before but it's getting worse and is moving through all of the people I know who have passed away. I'm starting to dread going to sleep for fear of who is going to pop up and remind me that we all die! And worms will eat my eyes - SCREAM!

Nice thoughts to wake up with at 3am.

I went for a massage on Saturday with Catherine of the magic hands and mentioned it her, she suggested I ask my Dad, who has become a regular visitor, if he wants to tell me something.

So last night before I went to sleep, I did just that.

Dad, is there something you want to tell me? Something you want to ask? Are you just popping in to say hello?

I am fucking insane was my last thought before I went to sleep!

Dad didn't show up so I guess he doesn't have anything to tell me or ask me and it really is just my mind dredging up images and people from my life as I try to process mortality once again. In a couple of recent dreams both my son and my Dad were there, that was nice and even if it was just a manifestation of my sorrow that they have never nor will ever be together in reality, it was a nice manifestation so I say Thank you to my subconscious and could you please ease up on the morbidity, I'm kind of sleep deprived and it's causing problems.

Problems like almost slicing the top of my finger off when I was doing the dishes last night, I still soldiered on and washed them one handed - sniff sniff.

Problems like not getting shit done at work because I have the attention span of a gnat with ADD.

Problems like showing up at work with unwashed seriously grey hair* because I really seriously could not drag my sorry fat arse** out of bed this morning and barely made it in time.

So subconscious sweetie, darling, pet, a little break would be nice, just so's I can, y'know FUCKING SLEEP A LITTLE and not kill myself or someone else when I drive home in a daze this afternoon.

*grey hair - oh my good gods people, what am I going to do about the grey hair, it's fucking ridiculous! I haven't seen my real hair colour since little man was born, I had no idea (but a sneaky suspicion) that I was hiding old lady hair under there. I was, it's out, my secret is out, I'm 37 and greyer than my 70 year old Mother!!!! Looks real purdy with just a couple of inches of roots showing too, real nice.

*big butts mentioned again, I rue the effect pregnancy has on my arse. I have always had a nice tight little bum, I can remember with a mixture of nausea and horror the day I spied my bum in the mirror when I was about 7 months pregnant with little man, I couldn't twist around at that point y'see so I hadn't seen it in a while, nor was I really thinking about it, I was more concerned with my massive breasts and astoundingly huge belly. Then, I went to a bathroom at my childbirth education class and there was a full length mirror on the wall, as I pulled my pants up I caught a glimpse of something awful and stopped dead in my tracks, horrified. I nearly burst in to tears right then and there, that horrible thing was my once lovely bum! It's never been the same since, I have never found jeans that look as good as they once did cradling my lovely bum, it's sad people. This pregnancy I've been more aware or perhaps the decline has been faster, it's too awful to think about, so I try not to.

Crazee Ladee

The dreams people, oh my good gods the dreams or the not sure if I'm asleep or not hallucinations.

I cannot seem to stay asleep all night, it's driving me batty. I dream about all sorts of fucked up things, last night I worked out a strategy for a job I had 17 years ago, seriously, I moved peoples offices around, put up signage, revamped departments, the whole shebang. I woke up full of energy and ideas it took me a good 10 minutes to realise and then convince myself that I no longer worked there and never would again. Seriously I had to convince myself, that's why i mentioned the not sure if I'm asleep hallucinations up there. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night caught up in a trip down memory lane.

I've been dreaming a lot about people who have died, my Dad shows up every couple of nights, a childhood friend who died 2 years ago last month has been showing up a lot too. In one recent dream I was setting her up with a new boyfriend, probably to make up for the last time we met when I spoiled her drunken hook up and have felt bad about it ever since. I didn't know it was the last time we would ever see each other, I was nursing a 10 week old when she died and couldn't make the funeral, I can't bear to think of her death which was slow and painful at 34, it's too tragic. When she appears in my dreams she is young and vibrant but I know she will die and so does she. In real life she did too, but we never talked about it. Ack!

Anyway suffice to say I had forgotten the horrid morbidity that comes with pregnancy, I wake up weeping missing my Dad so very very much and furious that my children do not have the pleasure of knowing him or he them. It's too fucking unfair and makes me so very determined to live long and healthy so I can wrap my grandchildren in my arms - which is what this is all about really isn't it?