Crazee Ladee

The dreams people, oh my good gods the dreams or the not sure if I'm asleep or not hallucinations.

I cannot seem to stay asleep all night, it's driving me batty. I dream about all sorts of fucked up things, last night I worked out a strategy for a job I had 17 years ago, seriously, I moved peoples offices around, put up signage, revamped departments, the whole shebang. I woke up full of energy and ideas it took me a good 10 minutes to realise and then convince myself that I no longer worked there and never would again. Seriously I had to convince myself, that's why i mentioned the not sure if I'm asleep hallucinations up there. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night caught up in a trip down memory lane.

I've been dreaming a lot about people who have died, my Dad shows up every couple of nights, a childhood friend who died 2 years ago last month has been showing up a lot too. In one recent dream I was setting her up with a new boyfriend, probably to make up for the last time we met when I spoiled her drunken hook up and have felt bad about it ever since. I didn't know it was the last time we would ever see each other, I was nursing a 10 week old when she died and couldn't make the funeral, I can't bear to think of her death which was slow and painful at 34, it's too tragic. When she appears in my dreams she is young and vibrant but I know she will die and so does she. In real life she did too, but we never talked about it. Ack!

Anyway suffice to say I had forgotten the horrid morbidity that comes with pregnancy, I wake up weeping missing my Dad so very very much and furious that my children do not have the pleasure of knowing him or he them. It's too fucking unfair and makes me so very determined to live long and healthy so I can wrap my grandchildren in my arms - which is what this is all about really isn't it?