Monday monday

Am starting to dread Mondays, the weekly go round starts again and yet again I got about 10% done of what I wanted and needed to get done this weekend. The laundry is growing extra heads and arms in the basement. I put little mans second last clean tee shirt on him this morning. I just can't get down there to do it. I have no energy none whatsoever, it's about all I can do to drag my arse to the car each day and drive to daycare/work wherever I'm going. Getting out of the car has to be thought about and planned. This morning big man bent down and pretended to eat little mans knee causing shrieks of laughter - no small feat at 8am - while I enjoyed the laughter all I could think about was how easy it was for him to bend down like that and get back up again without even thinking about it. I couldn't sleep last night, my back aches, rolling over is a nightmare, I can't get comfortable, getting up to pee is pissing me off, I've considered a potty but I'd never get back up!

I know I'm whining, sorry but I just feel so big and unwieldy I'm pretty miserable.

Had a midwife appointment on Friday, she did an internal, ouchie fucking ouchie. Nothing happening there, high and tight, was sure things were going on, am still sure to be honest, the contractions I'm feeling had better be doing something other than pissing me off. Babe is estimated to be 6lbs so that's not a big deal, if the 1/2 lb a week thing is a guide, s/he'll be 8lbs in 4 weeks which is fine by me. Midwife gave me the go ahead to try to get things going in about 2 weeks so big man is all excited, poor fella might get some lovin' for a change.

My tickers says 35 weeks but everything else I have (babycenter etc) says 36 weeks so I'm confused. I'll go with the ticker...

Updated to add: I just delivered a 3lb poo, I feel so very much better now, amazing how that happens!

Slacker

Hello, my name is Boliath and I am a blogging slacker.

Been away recuperating from life. Went to Maine last weekend and fed some blackflies. I didn't fare too bodly, normally I am ridiculously senstive to insect bites but when I'm pregnant I don't react as badly. Little man was another story, poor child had big red welts everywhere, yes we slathered him in repellent but it's no good, just like his Mummy the bugs like him and he reacts. Poor pet, the only one he complained about was his elbow which was swollen to twice it's size and obviously bothering him. He doesn't really know how to scratch himself so he would sidle up to you and rub his elbow on you for a while, I bet it felt great! I fed him full of benadryl to stop them itching as much as possible. They're mostly gone now. It's a total pain in the arse though, I fucking HATE mosquitos, hate them hate them hate them. It's just one more reason why I want to move back to Ireland, we don't have mossies back there and I could sit out and enjoy the summer evenings without flapping ay arms about to keep the bugs away. Did I mention that bug bites have put me in hospital twice?* It's no fucking joke with me, drives me INSANE!

Anyway, had a lovely weekend other than the bugs, hung out with good friends, met new friends with cool kids who played wonderfully with little man even though they were 10 & 8. He was in heaven playing with the big boys.

Tried to sleep in the tent but couldn't. No not really because I was too uncomfortable although that's what I told everyone and I was a bit uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep in the tent because I woke up freaking out both nights. I used to do this all of the time when we went camping, go to sleep and then an hour later wake up freaking the fuck out. I thought it was a combination of drink and weed but this weekend I wasn't drunk or stoned and it still happened. I was pretty pissed off about that. I slept on the couch in the cabin instead.

Pregnancy news is that the gestational diabetes is back in full force, numbers are off the charts, explains my crappy mood lately. Also explains the nausea and dizzyness I've been feeling. Failed the 3 hour test on Tuesday and have an appointment with an endocrinologist - ooh fancy - didn't have one of those last time, not sure what one is really but I'll find out soon enough.





*Annoyingly, I can't find the post where I talk about this - sorry.

Spring has sprung

Today is one of those days when you know why you live in New England, it's just beautiful outside, the magnolias are blooming, birds singing, there's a slight breeze but the sun is shining, just lovely.

Makes up for the SHITE weather we had last week when it rained for about 4 days.

I'm surprisingly cheery about the lovely spring that has sprung, surprising because I feel like shite, my head hurts, my sinuses are clogged, the yeast infection* has come back and yesterday I almost fainted.

Hmm....I'm not so sure I should have passed the glucose test. The almost fainting episode struck me as low blood sugar, the nausea, fatigue and desperate thirst also strike me as GD symptoms.

Or maybe - and please don't everyone yell at me at once - I'm anemic? I haven't been taking my pre-natal vitamins, those things plug me up like nobody's business so I haven't taken them in months, I know it's bad.

Anyway, I feel like crap, am cranky, headachy, moaney, pissy, big, huge, pregnant lady but all I can think about is spring and flowers and lovely weather, weird as fuck this pregnancy lark.

* this is way tmi but...em...the yeast infection is kinda like em...up in my bum rather than around the vagina - anyone any ideas what the fuck is going on?

I Dream Dead People

I do - every night, I dream about dead people. I know I mentioned this before but it's getting worse and is moving through all of the people I know who have passed away. I'm starting to dread going to sleep for fear of who is going to pop up and remind me that we all die! And worms will eat my eyes - SCREAM!

Nice thoughts to wake up with at 3am.

I went for a massage on Saturday with Catherine of the magic hands and mentioned it her, she suggested I ask my Dad, who has become a regular visitor, if he wants to tell me something.

So last night before I went to sleep, I did just that.

Dad, is there something you want to tell me? Something you want to ask? Are you just popping in to say hello?

I am fucking insane was my last thought before I went to sleep!

Dad didn't show up so I guess he doesn't have anything to tell me or ask me and it really is just my mind dredging up images and people from my life as I try to process mortality once again. In a couple of recent dreams both my son and my Dad were there, that was nice and even if it was just a manifestation of my sorrow that they have never nor will ever be together in reality, it was a nice manifestation so I say Thank you to my subconscious and could you please ease up on the morbidity, I'm kind of sleep deprived and it's causing problems.

Problems like almost slicing the top of my finger off when I was doing the dishes last night, I still soldiered on and washed them one handed - sniff sniff.

Problems like not getting shit done at work because I have the attention span of a gnat with ADD.

Problems like showing up at work with unwashed seriously grey hair* because I really seriously could not drag my sorry fat arse** out of bed this morning and barely made it in time.

So subconscious sweetie, darling, pet, a little break would be nice, just so's I can, y'know FUCKING SLEEP A LITTLE and not kill myself or someone else when I drive home in a daze this afternoon.

*grey hair - oh my good gods people, what am I going to do about the grey hair, it's fucking ridiculous! I haven't seen my real hair colour since little man was born, I had no idea (but a sneaky suspicion) that I was hiding old lady hair under there. I was, it's out, my secret is out, I'm 37 and greyer than my 70 year old Mother!!!! Looks real purdy with just a couple of inches of roots showing too, real nice.

*big butts mentioned again, I rue the effect pregnancy has on my arse. I have always had a nice tight little bum, I can remember with a mixture of nausea and horror the day I spied my bum in the mirror when I was about 7 months pregnant with little man, I couldn't twist around at that point y'see so I hadn't seen it in a while, nor was I really thinking about it, I was more concerned with my massive breasts and astoundingly huge belly. Then, I went to a bathroom at my childbirth education class and there was a full length mirror on the wall, as I pulled my pants up I caught a glimpse of something awful and stopped dead in my tracks, horrified. I nearly burst in to tears right then and there, that horrible thing was my once lovely bum! It's never been the same since, I have never found jeans that look as good as they once did cradling my lovely bum, it's sad people. This pregnancy I've been more aware or perhaps the decline has been faster, it's too awful to think about, so I try not to.

Crazee Ladee

The dreams people, oh my good gods the dreams or the not sure if I'm asleep or not hallucinations.

I cannot seem to stay asleep all night, it's driving me batty. I dream about all sorts of fucked up things, last night I worked out a strategy for a job I had 17 years ago, seriously, I moved peoples offices around, put up signage, revamped departments, the whole shebang. I woke up full of energy and ideas it took me a good 10 minutes to realise and then convince myself that I no longer worked there and never would again. Seriously I had to convince myself, that's why i mentioned the not sure if I'm asleep hallucinations up there. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night caught up in a trip down memory lane.

I've been dreaming a lot about people who have died, my Dad shows up every couple of nights, a childhood friend who died 2 years ago last month has been showing up a lot too. In one recent dream I was setting her up with a new boyfriend, probably to make up for the last time we met when I spoiled her drunken hook up and have felt bad about it ever since. I didn't know it was the last time we would ever see each other, I was nursing a 10 week old when she died and couldn't make the funeral, I can't bear to think of her death which was slow and painful at 34, it's too tragic. When she appears in my dreams she is young and vibrant but I know she will die and so does she. In real life she did too, but we never talked about it. Ack!

Anyway suffice to say I had forgotten the horrid morbidity that comes with pregnancy, I wake up weeping missing my Dad so very very much and furious that my children do not have the pleasure of knowing him or he them. It's too fucking unfair and makes me so very determined to live long and healthy so I can wrap my grandchildren in my arms - which is what this is all about really isn't it?