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Am home today for the 2nd time this week...hmmm

What's going on?

Shortness of breath, yes I know that's par for the pregnancy course but I am only 30 wks and I'm breathing like a 60 a day smoker with emphysema. Earlier in the week (and last week) this was accompanied by dizzy spells and unbelievable drop dead weakness. That's kind of alleviated now thanks to vast quantities of water and an upping of my protein intake, I was anemic and dehydrated apparently.

Anyway, I spent Tuesday evening in the ER having a cat scan, nothing like serious medical tests to scare the pants right off you. Also had an ultrasound of my heart on Wednesday to make sure it's not enlarged. It's not, nor do I have anything sinister in my lungs, which after 20 years smoking and growing up in a house full of smokers is a major relief!

Am pissed off at feeling like an old lady (note I did not say little, I am anything but fucking little at the moment) afraid to go down to the basement in case I can't get back up, running out of steam half way to the fridge to get water, it taking me 15 minutes to work up the energy to get up and pee in the middle of the night. Seriously fucking annoying.

Am off to the doc in a few minutes to see if she can shed any light on this.

Anyone got any bright ideas?

FYI - I'm carrying waaayyyyy low, baby is practically at my knees thanks to zero ab supports from previous c-section so baby is not pressing on my diaphragm. Blood pressure is fine as are blood sugar levels, heart rate fine, everything else ok, so internets...ideas? Suggestions?

If I'm stuck like this for another 9-10 weeks I will go nuts.

The heat

Oh gods, the heat!

The heat this weekend nearly killed me. Saturday it was so hot and humid I really couldn't move, seriously, no t taking the piss or milking it at all!

Had...no...energy...was...like...moving...lead...didn't...even...have...the...strength...to...talk...

Was BRUTAL!

Then there was a thunderstorm and phew did I feel better.

What the fuck am I going to do in July & August?

Slacker

Hello, my name is Boliath and I am a blogging slacker.

Been away recuperating from life. Went to Maine last weekend and fed some blackflies. I didn't fare too bodly, normally I am ridiculously senstive to insect bites but when I'm pregnant I don't react as badly. Little man was another story, poor child had big red welts everywhere, yes we slathered him in repellent but it's no good, just like his Mummy the bugs like him and he reacts. Poor pet, the only one he complained about was his elbow which was swollen to twice it's size and obviously bothering him. He doesn't really know how to scratch himself so he would sidle up to you and rub his elbow on you for a while, I bet it felt great! I fed him full of benadryl to stop them itching as much as possible. They're mostly gone now. It's a total pain in the arse though, I fucking HATE mosquitos, hate them hate them hate them. It's just one more reason why I want to move back to Ireland, we don't have mossies back there and I could sit out and enjoy the summer evenings without flapping ay arms about to keep the bugs away. Did I mention that bug bites have put me in hospital twice?* It's no fucking joke with me, drives me INSANE!

Anyway, had a lovely weekend other than the bugs, hung out with good friends, met new friends with cool kids who played wonderfully with little man even though they were 10 & 8. He was in heaven playing with the big boys.

Tried to sleep in the tent but couldn't. No not really because I was too uncomfortable although that's what I told everyone and I was a bit uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep in the tent because I woke up freaking out both nights. I used to do this all of the time when we went camping, go to sleep and then an hour later wake up freaking the fuck out. I thought it was a combination of drink and weed but this weekend I wasn't drunk or stoned and it still happened. I was pretty pissed off about that. I slept on the couch in the cabin instead.

Pregnancy news is that the gestational diabetes is back in full force, numbers are off the charts, explains my crappy mood lately. Also explains the nausea and dizzyness I've been feeling. Failed the 3 hour test on Tuesday and have an appointment with an endocrinologist - ooh fancy - didn't have one of those last time, not sure what one is really but I'll find out soon enough.





*Annoyingly, I can't find the post where I talk about this - sorry.

It's official

I am one motherfecking cranky pants wearing woman right now. I feel HUGE, nothing fits me, nothing, seriously, I nearly wore my pjs to work today.

I ache everywhere, I can't stand up without thinking about it and staying bent over for a few minutes afterwards. I'm constipated. I have brutal indigestion, I'm dizzy, nauseous, have a headache and am just fucking PISSED OFF.

I was a total bitch this weekend, I feel like I did nothing but shout and yell at poor little man. To be fair he really is pushing buttons right now and being a cheeky little bugger but still all he got from me and big man was negative attention so it's no wonder that he sought it, at least it was attention and not "go see what Daddy is doing" Daddy's busy, go ask Mummy for a yogurt" poor kid.

I'm just out of sorts and despite a massage on Friday I still feel shite, just shite and I don't know what I need to fix it.

Random facts

The rules:
Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write on their own blog the rules and answers.
Then you choose seven people and make sure to leave a comment on their blog.

I'm doing this even though I'm not sure I want to tell you random facts about me.

My random facts:
1. I have known my man Bigman for most of my life, we were friends as teenagers and knew who each other was before that, that's probably the thing that freaks me out most of all in my world. The fact that given this shared and common life we have led, we seem to disagree on very fundamental issues is the 2nd most freaky thing.

2. I feel sorry for cups and glasses that haven't been used in a while, so I'll use them. I try to give all of my belongings their turn at whatever it is that they do.

3. I believe myself somewhat of a connoisseur of public toilets, when I'm in them I frequently find myself mentally composing reviews of their cleanliness, designing my perfect public toilet etc. I am a harsh critic.

4. I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) which is probably why I am such a connoisseur of public toilets and write about poo so much.

5. I am homesick, even though I moved away from my home and have lived independently since 1987 - 20 years - I dream sometimes that I am in the house I grew up in and for a few delicious moments between sleep and wake, I can hear the sounds of people (sisters and brothers and parents) moving around downstairs telling each other what they're doing, coming and going, opening and closing doors, and I am in heaven.

6. When I do wake up from this type of reverie I am usually heartbroken, this feeling intensifies when I am with my family either they're staying here or I am there. Told you I was homesick, maybe it's more like family sick.

7. I am secretly arrogant because I am better than most people but I am too humble to let them know it and proud of that too. I got this from my mother and intend to pass it along to my children.

Well for someone who didn't really want to do this, I don't think I did too badly.

I know I'm breaking the chain and will not get my wish or something but I'm not going to tag anyone 'cos I don't think even 7 people read my blog and the people that do have already done it so if you'd like to do it -fire away.

It's midnight, I have to be all professional at 8am for a conference type of thing so I'm off.

Daily whine:
I despair of my maternity clothes, nothing but nothing is comfortable, no shirts cover my belly so a bit is starting to hang down like a gut, well it's like a gut becasue it is a gut but it's also full of baby so I can't exactly squish it into my pants. Suffice to say I'm uncomfortable in my clothes at the moment and want to wear sweatpants to work - can I do that?

Spring has sprung

Today is one of those days when you know why you live in New England, it's just beautiful outside, the magnolias are blooming, birds singing, there's a slight breeze but the sun is shining, just lovely.

Makes up for the SHITE weather we had last week when it rained for about 4 days.

I'm surprisingly cheery about the lovely spring that has sprung, surprising because I feel like shite, my head hurts, my sinuses are clogged, the yeast infection* has come back and yesterday I almost fainted.

Hmm....I'm not so sure I should have passed the glucose test. The almost fainting episode struck me as low blood sugar, the nausea, fatigue and desperate thirst also strike me as GD symptoms.

Or maybe - and please don't everyone yell at me at once - I'm anemic? I haven't been taking my pre-natal vitamins, those things plug me up like nobody's business so I haven't taken them in months, I know it's bad.

Anyway, I feel like crap, am cranky, headachy, moaney, pissy, big, huge, pregnant lady but all I can think about is spring and flowers and lovely weather, weird as fuck this pregnancy lark.

* this is way tmi but...em...the yeast infection is kinda like em...up in my bum rather than around the vagina - anyone any ideas what the fuck is going on?

I Dream Dead People

I do - every night, I dream about dead people. I know I mentioned this before but it's getting worse and is moving through all of the people I know who have passed away. I'm starting to dread going to sleep for fear of who is going to pop up and remind me that we all die! And worms will eat my eyes - SCREAM!

Nice thoughts to wake up with at 3am.

I went for a massage on Saturday with Catherine of the magic hands and mentioned it her, she suggested I ask my Dad, who has become a regular visitor, if he wants to tell me something.

So last night before I went to sleep, I did just that.

Dad, is there something you want to tell me? Something you want to ask? Are you just popping in to say hello?

I am fucking insane was my last thought before I went to sleep!

Dad didn't show up so I guess he doesn't have anything to tell me or ask me and it really is just my mind dredging up images and people from my life as I try to process mortality once again. In a couple of recent dreams both my son and my Dad were there, that was nice and even if it was just a manifestation of my sorrow that they have never nor will ever be together in reality, it was a nice manifestation so I say Thank you to my subconscious and could you please ease up on the morbidity, I'm kind of sleep deprived and it's causing problems.

Problems like almost slicing the top of my finger off when I was doing the dishes last night, I still soldiered on and washed them one handed - sniff sniff.

Problems like not getting shit done at work because I have the attention span of a gnat with ADD.

Problems like showing up at work with unwashed seriously grey hair* because I really seriously could not drag my sorry fat arse** out of bed this morning and barely made it in time.

So subconscious sweetie, darling, pet, a little break would be nice, just so's I can, y'know FUCKING SLEEP A LITTLE and not kill myself or someone else when I drive home in a daze this afternoon.

*grey hair - oh my good gods people, what am I going to do about the grey hair, it's fucking ridiculous! I haven't seen my real hair colour since little man was born, I had no idea (but a sneaky suspicion) that I was hiding old lady hair under there. I was, it's out, my secret is out, I'm 37 and greyer than my 70 year old Mother!!!! Looks real purdy with just a couple of inches of roots showing too, real nice.

*big butts mentioned again, I rue the effect pregnancy has on my arse. I have always had a nice tight little bum, I can remember with a mixture of nausea and horror the day I spied my bum in the mirror when I was about 7 months pregnant with little man, I couldn't twist around at that point y'see so I hadn't seen it in a while, nor was I really thinking about it, I was more concerned with my massive breasts and astoundingly huge belly. Then, I went to a bathroom at my childbirth education class and there was a full length mirror on the wall, as I pulled my pants up I caught a glimpse of something awful and stopped dead in my tracks, horrified. I nearly burst in to tears right then and there, that horrible thing was my once lovely bum! It's never been the same since, I have never found jeans that look as good as they once did cradling my lovely bum, it's sad people. This pregnancy I've been more aware or perhaps the decline has been faster, it's too awful to think about, so I try not to.

Crazee Ladee

The dreams people, oh my good gods the dreams or the not sure if I'm asleep or not hallucinations.

I cannot seem to stay asleep all night, it's driving me batty. I dream about all sorts of fucked up things, last night I worked out a strategy for a job I had 17 years ago, seriously, I moved peoples offices around, put up signage, revamped departments, the whole shebang. I woke up full of energy and ideas it took me a good 10 minutes to realise and then convince myself that I no longer worked there and never would again. Seriously I had to convince myself, that's why i mentioned the not sure if I'm asleep hallucinations up there. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night caught up in a trip down memory lane.

I've been dreaming a lot about people who have died, my Dad shows up every couple of nights, a childhood friend who died 2 years ago last month has been showing up a lot too. In one recent dream I was setting her up with a new boyfriend, probably to make up for the last time we met when I spoiled her drunken hook up and have felt bad about it ever since. I didn't know it was the last time we would ever see each other, I was nursing a 10 week old when she died and couldn't make the funeral, I can't bear to think of her death which was slow and painful at 34, it's too tragic. When she appears in my dreams she is young and vibrant but I know she will die and so does she. In real life she did too, but we never talked about it. Ack!

Anyway suffice to say I had forgotten the horrid morbidity that comes with pregnancy, I wake up weeping missing my Dad so very very much and furious that my children do not have the pleasure of knowing him or he them. It's too fucking unfair and makes me so very determined to live long and healthy so I can wrap my grandchildren in my arms - which is what this is all about really isn't it?

Sssh

I feel good today but please don't say that out loud, the nausea, constipation and fatigue will hear you and remember that they forgot about me for a little while!

Will be heading to Ireland on Thursday for my Mums birthday party - yahoo.

May not get the chance to post again for a few days, if so, apologies in advance. Will be telling the family when I'm at home, should be interesting.

Bleagh

Barely keeping head up, exhausted, nauseous, want to curl up in ball and sleep, wish I hadn't eaten at lunch time but was soooo veryyyy hungreeeeee.

Whose stupid idea was it to get pregnant again?